Friday, December 7, 2007

Roller Coaster

I always enjoyed roller coasters when I was a kid. Now that I am in a place where I can describe my life as a roller coaster, I'm not quite sure what the attraction was. It's not my entire life that contains these swings from elation to despair; lately it's just been our attempts to give Nora a sibling that have given us thrills and chills. I have discovered some things about myself. For one, when I was pregnant with Nora, I didn't want to tell a lot of people until the first trimester had passed, so that if it didn't turn out well, I wouldn't have to do so much explaining. With this brief pregnancy, I burned up the phone lines and talked to anyone whose eyes didn't immediately glaze over. I guess I crave the support. I found out that a lot of women I know have dealt with this, and they have survived. Maybe it's a bit narcissistic to share so much, but I feel it's really helped me. Another thing I have learned is that my faith was not shaken at all by this. It's actually deeper than I thought. After my parents separated, and subsequently divorced, I was shaken to my very core. It took me a while to start dealing with the cynical attitude I had thrown up to protect myself. I'm not feeling cynical now. Sad - most definitely. Destroyed - no. I feel that God has a purpose for this child, this experience.